If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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