Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I have fence marks all over my body
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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