very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
