just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
