when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
