I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
