Don't you send me to vm
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
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Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
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You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room