i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.