We need to start having sex underwater more often.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
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I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
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Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.