idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
