I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
