he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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