I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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