My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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