You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
