my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
