Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
