I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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