My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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