I seem to have left my pride at pride
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
