I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
