i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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