I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
