I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
