Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
