Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
