Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
