I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
