don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
