How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
