I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He passed out mid-signature
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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