Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
