you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
