I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
