Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
