just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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