My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
