Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
