My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
