3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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