Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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