there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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