My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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