One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
