You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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