I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
