Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
