how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
