the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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