Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
