The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
