We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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