just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
