I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
