matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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